A Bad Conversationalist

    I will be the first to admit, as will anyone who knows me and is willing to be honest, that I don't do well in social situations.  Conversation is perhaps one of the most challenging things that I ever have to do. I know that may sound a little odd, but it is the truth. When I find myself in a social situation in which I am expected to talk to someone, I completely freeze up and generally struggle, for something, ANYTHING, to talk about.
 
     What really makes this bizarre in my case is that speaking in public does not cause me any problems. I have done presentations to large audiences a number of times, and not only do I like to do it, I humbly admit that I am quite good at it.  Particularly if the topic at hand is something I am passionate about. I have taught classes, given lectures, addressed large assemblies, and generally enjoyed getting up in front of crowds and pouring out my stuff with passion and conviction. So why can't I be just as forthcoming in a casual situation?

    This is not a minor problem. My inability to interact socially has cost me dearly over the years, in more ways than I probably realize. I am finally overcoming it, and I am surprised at the source of this new found inspiration. Recently, after years of thinking about it, and researching, I decided to take the final step, and petition an Ancient, Free and Accepted Masons lodge for the degrees of Freemasonry. I went into this expecting one thing and have, in such a short time, received something totally different, but so much better than I ever expected.

    You see, I expected to meet a group of men who I would be able to know and perhaps meet with for social reasons on occasion. I was attracted to the concept of guys getting together, without one of the two extremes that my usual (small) circle of friends seems to focus on. Now, before I continue, I want to say that I'm am walking on very, very thin ice here. I am almost afraid to go down this path, because I know that one misplaced word can have the completely unintentional consequence of offending one or more of the close friends that I hold so dear. So before I proceed, please, please understand that I have no intention of insult or injury to anyone in what I am about to write. I really mean this.

    As I said, my friends tend to come in two flavors - highly religious, or highly party motivated. I honestly am not 100% comfortable with either. I love them all, but I am always afraid of slipping up and embarrassing myself with my religious friends. You know, dropping that profane word at the wrong moment, or unthinkingly quoting a person who they feel is immoral. Worse yet would be to do something that they may see as wrong, and not even knowing it. There is a lot of stress there for me. And again, there is nothing wrong with them. This is the social anxiety I spoke of in the introduction coming to the surface. I'm actually pretty religious myself, but my personal faith is a hodge podge coming from many directions, including my Catholic upbringing, my own personal studies, my contacts with people of other faith walks, and many other factors.

    At the same time, I've never been 100% comfortable with my party crowd either. Again, I love them to death. But I'm not a drinker. No religious or moral conviction at play here, and I will have a drink, but it just isn't a big deal to me. Too many alcoholics in the family tree scares me, I have to admit, and I'm not crazy about the taste, especially beer. Hey, I don't like mustard either. Stop judging me. I also do not indulge in any other mind altering drugs, or tobacco. Tobacco, I do have an issue with, it stinks, and it killed my mother, my mother in law, my favorite uncle, and it causes me to have asthma attacks. But if you want to smoke, it's your lungs, not mine. I just politely request you don't smoke in my home. The rest of the drug scene is a "meh" to me. I've never tried them, don't have any interest in it. If it's your thing, it's your body, I don't care. Just don't try to drive or do something where you might hurt someone else. So when I get together with these folks, I worry that they think I'm trying to be a "saint", mainly because I've never hidden my faith, and that they won't want me around because they think I'm judging them. I'm not, but again, it's that social anxiety kicking in.

    So after saying all that, it probably sounds very strange that I enjoy being around people, just as long as I don't have to initiate a conversation. I also love to talk. If you have a conversation, and engage me in it, I can talk for hours. How neurotic is that? But back to the topic at hand, because I am rambling. I sought out the Freemasons for two reasons, one, they have a strict rule not to discuss politics or religion in the lodge. Sweet. That takes care of social anxiety problem number one. Secondly, going back to the 19th century, Masonic lodges in America do not allow alcohol. That eliminates problem 2! I may have to check these guys out, right? So I did, expecting to find a group of guys I could meet with every month or so to contribute to the community, and perhaps make some good contacts. I figure, if the conspiracy theorists are right, I might as well be on the right side. Who knows, maybe it will get me out of a speeding ticket one day. I really had no expectations beyond that.

    Was I ever wrong. What I found was a group of like minded men, from all walks of life, who sought to constantly improve themselves, and to always be there for each other. They didn't care about religion, although many are very faithful. They don't care about my politics, although many are very active politically. They don't care that I'm not a drinking man, although I'm sure a few of them may tip one back on occasion. What I found, much to my surprise and joy, was a group of men that I felt instantly comfortable with. I have no problem talking with them about a variety of topics. I feel no judgement, not that any of my other friends judge me, but that social anxiety was gone. I have found a home. This is what I have been looking for for 45 years. Friends and brothers who will listen, talk, and spend time with me as I am. All the while, making me a better man.

    Some misinformed people think Freemasonry is anti Christian, or a cult, or a political group bent on world domination. They could not be further from the truth. The Masons I have met may not all be Christians, but they live out Christian values better than many people who like to advertise their Christianity to the world. Remember what Jesus told us? That the greatest commandment was to "Love the Lord God with all your heart, and to love your neighbor as you love yourself." ? That is the essence of what I have found in the lodge. So if I seem to be very excited about it, I am.

    But you say that Mason's seem to be in positions of power? I say you are looking at it from the wrong angle. There have been many Masons who have become very powerful. Fourteen U.S. Presidents were Freemasons. I would posit that Masonry did in fact play a role in their success, but not for the reasons conspiracy theorists would claim. Masonry teaches us to be better men, to strive to be the best we can be, and to serve our communities and our fellow man. How can those lessons not help a man reach the highest levels of government? To be a successful leader, one must learn to be a successful servant. That is a fundamental fact. That fact is at the heart of Freemasonry. A good Freemason is by his very nature a servant. So it follows that many Masons will seek out positions of service. Look up that list of Presidents. Many of them are considered some of the best this country has ever had. That's not a coincidence.

    So back to my social anxiety issues - I know this post seems like quite a ramble through a lot of topics, but that is the heart of it. I am thrilled to find myself, after 46 years, finally overcoming this crippling issue. And I'm doing it without altering my brain chemistry, without resorting to mind altering drugs, and without following some self help guru's platitudes on winning friends and influencing people. (As a side note, I love good self help literature. I encourage all of my employees to read the great works, including Dale Carnegie, but at the same time, I am not a big proponent of Carnegie's teaching, not because he was wrong, per se, but because I think his teachings are too easily misread.) I did it by finding a group of brothers and letting them take me as I am, and helping me become who I want to be. I am only now taking the very first steps of this journey, and already, I have found so much to be thankful for. So to all my Masonic brothers - Thank you!

    And to all my other friends, on both sides of the spectrum. I still love you guys too! Probably more now than ever! And I hope that you will find me to be a better friend than ever. At least I hope I'm no longer the weird guy in the corner who never talks much. But if you do see me, don't hesitate to come talk to me! I will talk back, I promise.